Mediocrity

Some days, most days really, I feel mediocre. I have big dreams of making an impact in this world and when I get to work, whatever work I'm in, I don't seem to have the magic to make it happen. Call it a lack of attention to detail, failure to delegate, inability to see the huge big picture and put it all together in a heartbeat, whatever... I just can't make it happen. I'm middle of the road. No superstar. Someone who people just don't think of when it comes to a new role or opportunity. I know I should be happy with where I am, I make pretty good dough, I can go home and not take my work with me, and my bosses essentially like me. But I'm not sure I'm done. I'm not sure this is where I want to cap out on my career.

I feel stuck. I feel stupid. I feel inadequate. And at the same time I feel underutilized. It's like... there is something out there I could do that would be effective, fun and motivating. But I can't find it. Or I am kidding myself that 'that' something exists. Today is a day when I feel like it doesn't. That I am just kidding myself. That I am anything but a drain on society and I'd be better of sitting in my cube and not raising my head. Because I don't really bring anything to the game anyway.

What am I good at? I have no idea. Connecting people to other people? Matchmaking in the corporate world, to some degree. I wish there was a way to make a living off connecting people. Only becuase I love learning about people and helping them find other people who can help them and grow. But alas, there isn't. So I try to put out product that inevitably gets ripped to shreads and all I am is a glorified admin for a couple of blokes who apparently think I have no effing brain.

Split Personality

I learned yesterday that I will be split in two. 33% of my time next year will be devoted to my boss' boss. 66% of my time will still be focused on my current role in my department. I will have two desks in two different buildings (even though it takes me a whopping 5 minutes to get from my desk to the other building), two phones, one laptop (thank god) and, for all intensive purposes, two bosses.

I've dual reported in my past life, but more on paper than with real salary allocation behind it and never with two desks. The two desks is a bit odd. According to my current boss, the reason for this is so I have more face time on the 10th floor. We were absorbed into this group in January of this year and it is still uncommon for us to be associated with OGC. None of us are attorney's (although I will argue my hard earned MBA counts for something damn it) and we sit in a whole different building. We're the red-headed step child of legal.

This could prove to be quite interesting. I fear I will find myself having to act like an attorney and document my time so neither of my bosses feels he is being slighted.

I'd bitch more but at least I still have a job, a fellow team mate was laid off on Monday. Scary shit.