Some days, most days really, I feel mediocre. I have big dreams of making an impact in this world and when I get to work, whatever work I'm in, I don't seem to have the magic to make it happen. Call it a lack of attention to detail, failure to delegate, inability to see the huge big picture and put it all together in a heartbeat, whatever... I just can't make it happen. I'm middle of the road. No superstar. Someone who people just don't think of when it comes to a new role or opportunity. I know I should be happy with where I am, I make pretty good dough, I can go home and not take my work with me, and my bosses essentially like me. But I'm not sure I'm done. I'm not sure this is where I want to cap out on my career.
I feel stuck. I feel stupid. I feel inadequate. And at the same time I feel underutilized. It's like... there is something out there I could do that would be effective, fun and motivating. But I can't find it. Or I am kidding myself that 'that' something exists. Today is a day when I feel like it doesn't. That I am just kidding myself. That I am anything but a drain on society and I'd be better of sitting in my cube and not raising my head. Because I don't really bring anything to the game anyway.
What am I good at? I have no idea. Connecting people to other people? Matchmaking in the corporate world, to some degree. I wish there was a way to make a living off connecting people. Only becuase I love learning about people and helping them find other people who can help them and grow. But alas, there isn't. So I try to put out product that inevitably gets ripped to shreads and all I am is a glorified admin for a couple of blokes who apparently think I have no effing brain.
2 comments:
Sigh. You're so much more than mediocre, darlin. It's just really, really hard to see sometimes. Especially when you don't feel appreciated. And is your "work" life where you want to excel? How about in your personal life? Maybe that's a place to look for excellence. Friendships? Are you the best friend in the whole wide world?
When I had to downsize my worklife in order to survive, I learned that there are other areas of my life that I could embrace and exel in. I choose today to say that my personal life is full and lovely and growing, and that's where I expend my energy. There will come a time when I want to grow in my work life again, and then I'll learn balance. But for now, I enjoy the fact that PARTS of my life are fulfilling and I grasp onto those as tight as I can and say the heck with the rest.
Oh I totally & completely hear you. Especially now with things really up in the air in my life. I always thought I'd be doing MORE, you know? In fact when I was younger it wasn't even a question in my mind, it was a known fact, and yet.....
I have never thought of you as mediocre, for what it's worth. I see someone who's successful, smart, full of energy, creative, loyal & kind-hearted. And the list goes on! Those aren't adjectives to describe mediocre in my book.
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