Mediocrity

Some days, most days really, I feel mediocre. I have big dreams of making an impact in this world and when I get to work, whatever work I'm in, I don't seem to have the magic to make it happen. Call it a lack of attention to detail, failure to delegate, inability to see the huge big picture and put it all together in a heartbeat, whatever... I just can't make it happen. I'm middle of the road. No superstar. Someone who people just don't think of when it comes to a new role or opportunity. I know I should be happy with where I am, I make pretty good dough, I can go home and not take my work with me, and my bosses essentially like me. But I'm not sure I'm done. I'm not sure this is where I want to cap out on my career.

I feel stuck. I feel stupid. I feel inadequate. And at the same time I feel underutilized. It's like... there is something out there I could do that would be effective, fun and motivating. But I can't find it. Or I am kidding myself that 'that' something exists. Today is a day when I feel like it doesn't. That I am just kidding myself. That I am anything but a drain on society and I'd be better of sitting in my cube and not raising my head. Because I don't really bring anything to the game anyway.

What am I good at? I have no idea. Connecting people to other people? Matchmaking in the corporate world, to some degree. I wish there was a way to make a living off connecting people. Only becuase I love learning about people and helping them find other people who can help them and grow. But alas, there isn't. So I try to put out product that inevitably gets ripped to shreads and all I am is a glorified admin for a couple of blokes who apparently think I have no effing brain.

Ray of Light

This has been a crazy week. I am either WAY out of practice or jinxed. It didn't help that I've been feeling the 'itch'. Not that itch, kids. The itch to find another gig. This is the longest I've lasted at a position for quite some time, which I attribute to having 3 months off last year to have a baby, but it's back. The burnout feeling has returned. But I just got some good news so I can hang in there a bit longer.

My session Monday morning in front of 70 people went flat after my laptop wouldn't boot up. Yes, I know, this is what you get when you whip your laptop off the docking station without putting it in standby too many times. Still... So I presented without visual aids. It actually went fine. For those who know me and my presentation style I do tend to be a walker and a gesture-fanatic so at least they were visually connected in some fashion. And the group was running behind so my 20 minutes was shaved to 15. Good thing I'm a fast talker. Hopefully they were able to keep up.

Today, I was seriously ready to quit. My afternoon session, which included dual delivery to folks in the room and several via web confo went haywire. Imagine yourself walking into a confo room with several people in attendance only to learn that the phones don't work. Now, how do the phones not work at a Fortune 100 company. Really? Really? You have to be kidding me. And the damn web confo was whacking out on me. In truth, I was frantic to find another confo room, which is nearly impossible on the fly, and couldn't think straight. So, thank the heavens I had sent out the deck before the meeting and folks were able to follow along, for the first 20 minutes. We were kicked out of the meeting room with the working phones....

Now for the good news. I met with my boss this afternoon and he has approved my involvement in an upcoming coaching program being developed out of the OD group. He knows that my career in his dept will not last forever and rather than holding me down, he supports my future growth. He also knows that it won't happen tomorrow so he is willing to appease me by letting me lay the ground work for potential positions in the company. Thank goodness I work for someone with this perspective. We'll see how long this holds me over. Right now I am seriously considering why I work for a company that doesn't appear to be in line with many of the things I value (I refuse to admit my company is involved in hazardous chemicals - best to remain naive). But, I have to pay the bills and the market isn't looking too good at the moment. Oh well. At least I feel like there is something fun and good waiting for me in the fall.

Now I am off to go see my little peanut!